I haven't been this sober since birth.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
