I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
