is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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