i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
