Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I could fuck to npr.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
