Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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