Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
