After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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