Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
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He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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