I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
