mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
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You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?