The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
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She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.