remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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