Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
pop tarts are not kleenex
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
