I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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