I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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