Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
