come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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