Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
