you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
