I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
