connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
