Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
