dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he thought i was a dude.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
