i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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