A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
