so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
