Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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