I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
