my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
