Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
