Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
