Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
