My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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