The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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