Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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