my phone needs a breathalizer
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
