I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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