I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She needs sedatives and a leash
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
