I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
