ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
