I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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