just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
this is an emotional support booty call
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
