how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
