Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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