Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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