i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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