I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Of course I have a pirate flag
If I die, sorry about rent.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
