you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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