If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And then my night got REAL pukey
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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