Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
