I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
