someone get that fucking seahorse.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
