My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
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We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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