how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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