you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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