Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
