i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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