he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
